26 September 2008

New book idea!

As a bit of a diversion from all the new and yummy foods available here... I thought I'd write about writing. I'm working on a novel, but I might have to take a bit of a break to write a much needed piece of non-fiction. I was thinking I'd call it: Appliances for Foreign Dummies. A manual for non-Europeans who are living in Europe...and having great difficulty with the appliances. The idea came to me this morning when I was vacuuming with what I thought was a normal vacuum cleaner. But NO. It was not normal at all...a fact I discovered when I sucked the curtains right off the wall. You might be thinking that's not such a big deal, but our place has 14 foot ceilings. And the curtains go right from the ceiling to the floor. So sucking 14 foot curtains off the wall is a very big deal.

See, the vacuum has only 2 settings, from what I can figure: something I call the butterfly setting, and the turbo setting. The butterfly setting is so light that you could actually catch a butterfly that's loose in your house, and gently, with a poof of light air, deposit the butterfly all safe and sound outside. Then there's the turbo setting, which resulted in the above mentioned curtain incident. I think maybe the vacuum is made by Ferrari or something. Because it is quite powerful. Powerful enough to suck dust bunnies from clear across the street. And here's where I'd put the section in my book about insects. Because with such a great huge suction force, it is quite logical to this non-European that this is a great tool for dealing with those pesky huge spiders and centipedes that seem to come with all oldy-worldy European villas. Except it isn't a good idea. As I learned. Oh sure, the vacuum cleaner will neatly and efficiently slurp up those giant black spiders. And suck the centipedes right off the ceiling or right out of the bathtub. But that's not the end of those bugs. Oh no no no. Because the vacuum cleaner does NOT kill them. No. It just holds onto them. Puts them snuggly into a warm and dusty place where they can thrive. Growing bigger and bigger. And then only God knows what they do. Hmmm, giant black spiders marching OUT of the vacuum cleaner. I think that'll make a great picture for the cover of the book.

Of course, then I'll have to add the section on dish washers (um, that liquid soap isn't foaming because it isn't soap...it's rinsing liquid). And the whole thing about being sure you're using soap in the washing machine...and, um, not just fabric softener. Don't ask how I know these things.

1 comment:

elsie said...

Gabriella this is the funniest thing I've ever read. You have to submit it to magazines etc.